17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
a Reason to Smile
Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis
I started to blame myself; I could have done more for her… I should have stayed with her so that she was not alone… I should not have gone to sleep, I should have stayed awake no matter how tired I was. She was my child and every mother does everything within her power to help their child, but at this stage I thought that I had not.
These worries drove me more and more every day; the questions started to add up and two days before Christmas I wrote again:
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. . ღღ./.ღღ..
•ஐ• «☆ Love, Light , & Strength ☆» •ஐ•
(,.•*´(¸.•*´ (¸.•*´ «•ஐ•» `*•.¸)`*•.,)`*•.,
I Will Light Candles, but I will not be Festive
I have never been so scared of Christmas. The thought that I cannot wake you up with a present or a kiss on your forehead, or give you coffee and rusks… It scares me.
You always loved this time of the year so much; you counted off the sleeps and always said,
“I wonder what T-tjie… oops…. Father Christmas is going to bring this year”… You always told me afterwards that T-tjie’s pants were torn or his beard was skew And then we would giggle, you and I… And Lanie that dressed so funnily like an elf with the pointy shoes…
This year we are not going to have those conversations, but know that I will not stop thinking about you for one minute. I will look for whatever is funny and will whisper it to you. I will eat a rusk to you and will send two kisses up Heavenwards.
My child… this mommy’s heart is soooooooo sore. The day that I went on my knees and asked Jesus to relieve you from all this unbearable pain and discomfort, I had no idea what was waiting for me. I knew that I would not be able to kiss or tease, or just cuddle you anymore, but I never realised that I would be doing everything WITHOUT you.
It hits me squarely in the face every day; I opened your cupboard last night – as Aunty Lisl says – RIPPING OFF THE BANDAID – I stood in front of your cupboard, because that is my pain. I picked up every shirt and smelled it with the hope that I would smell you.
I touched and held every single thing that you had ever touched with the hope that I would feel you again, but it is as though everything is “blank” – Your room is so empty…
You may be gone my Bekkie, but never forgotten. Mommy thinks of you every day, misses you unbelievably lots and wishes for just one more moment with you. You were my Superhero…
Someone I looked up to… Always ready with a smile.
Love you Bekkie Flower ~ Forever and Always!
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ♡ ♡
(¸.•´♡;..•´;¸¸.•¨¯`•♡ ♡ ♡
Little Fighters Cancer Trust would like to extend a huge thank you to the Niewenhuis family for allowing us to share Xuané’s story and photos, and hope that it will bring Awareness regarding Childhood Cancer to the public in general so that they can get a bit of an idea what battling Childhood Cancer is like – why the Little Fighters Cancer Trust does what it does, why creating Awareness around Childhood Cancer is so important, and enlightenment to other parents.
We will continue with Part 20 of Xuané… a Reason to Smile tomorrow…